Con Buttons
Remember school? The place you go to learn to communicate, and all they do is tell you to shut up?
The only person who ever actually listens to both sides of the argument is the guy in the next apartment.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
The Truth is Out There... but I lost the URL.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
The real problem with hunting elephants is carrying the decoys.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?
Friends don't let friends vote Republican
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist."
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running... you better catch up!
Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on a disk around here somewhere.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Faith Manages...... But Willow is in Tech Support
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
Eschew obfuscation.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Few things are as ego-boosting as being kicked out of an anarchy convention for unruly behavior.
Each one of us, if we are really lucky, meets one person that changes our world. That person is called a friend.
Do not knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He really hates that.
You see things and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were, and say, "Why not?"
Sorry, Dave, you can't have an orgy by yourself. It's one of the rules."
When you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
It's okay to call someone stupid. Just don't prove it.
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
The sooner you get behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Be wary of geeks bearing GIFs.
Don't race trains to crossings. If it is a tie you lose.
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's what you're taking for it...
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
We don't know who discovered water, but we're fairly sure it wasn't a fish.
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
