My Social Breakdown

I’m not letting this affect me. I’m not letting this affect me. I’m not letting the fact you chose him over me affect me. I’m not letting the fact you’re not happy with him but still chose him affect me. That’s what I repeated myself as I read through the letter you sent me. All I wanted to do was break down in tears as my little crumpled heart got scared with every passing sentence. I felt betrayed not because you chose him but because earlier that week you said he wasn’t going to end our friendship. I wanted to give up just give up. With no more reasons to go on with this I just wanted to stop and let the world go on without me. What hurts the most was how much I trusted you, how much you knew about me. You knew stuff about me people very close to me can’t even imagine yet still you practically betrayed me. You where one of the few people who knew that every single time I get emotionally close to someone everything changes between them and me. Thanks for you have proved to me what I always feared. Through all that time. The time I spent reading my own demise there was only one good friend who spent her time talking to me so I didn’t have to feel the pain that close to my heart. We talked as I read the goddamn letter. With my eyes just waiting to cry. With myself waiting to die. I couldn’t help but notice my life has been very repetitive. The only time I really felt happy while in High School was the time I saw some childish movies at the theatre. In the letter you asked for forgiveness as if you didn’t wanted to do that. Don’t worry I forgive you but I won’t forget what you did. As I sat down to meditate the songs that came up only strengthened the pain I already had. I felt like throwing the music player at the wall and making everything stop. Sad songs came and went as though the world was trying to tell me something. As though the world also felt my unbearable pain and was telling me to give up. Thanks to you I couldn’t even concentrate on my meditation so I spent two hours listening to depressive song after depressive song wishing I could be human just once more and cry my eyes out just that night. I went to bed wanting to stay asleep not had to face the world the next day. I went to bed not wanting to ever wake up. Sadly I woke up and had to face a world that did not care for the other person a world were only the closest friends are the ones who betray you in such a way. I’m depressed not because I lost a close friend but because of what we once had. Was all that trust and “happiness” was of no worth to you? Thanks to you I’m having a social breakdown. I’ve decided to run away from my past. Yesterdays memories are today’s nightmares stealing my night while I so desperately fight the force that keeps me awake. I’ve decided to let the past in there. The only place where it can’t hurt me. The only place where it can’t remind me. Of you, of me, of old friends lost by different causes. Yes, I might be a coward by running away from it but what do you suggest. Do you suggest I stay and fight something I can’t change? I’m going to slowly and abruptly erase my past step by step. Even erasing the pictures I may have of a time I where I felt “happy” to hide the pain from almost all my friends. I’m going to do what I wanted to do. I’m going to be whoever I want. I’m going to end light friendships I may have and only keep the ones close to me. I’m going to tighten my circle of friends to a point there will never be any space for you. You caused me a social breakdown and that’s why I’ll erase everything that has no worth including the memories we once shared. I’m erasing everything so I may not suffer as much as this ever again. I thank the good friends, the real friends who stood there by me as you crushed what was left of my soul. Nothings ever going to be the same even if I forgive you. Even if you try with all your might but then again you always knew that right. I found something to motivate me. Something to keep me going when there’s no more strength inside of me and that is seeing the world take care of it. Seeing you suffer as much as I am suffering. To see you go thru what I’m going thru. To see how you take care of such an unbearable pain. To see how you feel after such a betrayal. And none of that is going to come from me. For you lay in my past and I erased it all to get away from you. So you caused ma a social breakdown but you should also expect one yourself for what goes around come around and I can’t wait to see you pay for what you did to me. I thank my friends, my true friends, who have shown me what a true friend is and the differences it has with you. I thank all my friends that have shown me you’re not worth anything anymore. They say one is worth the sum of the memories a person has about us. If that is true you’re close to being worth nothing for me for I am erasing my past so I may finally get on with my life even if it’s just as bad as remembering you. For now you’re just a sad memory but you’re close to being nothing in a couple days thanks to my friends thanks to my new found love for someone else. The last chance I may give myself at finding true love and happiness, true happiness not the one I had with you. I wish you happiness. But most of all I wish I can just forget you and forget my past.

“As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape.”

— John Lancaster Spalding