I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.