A
drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He
walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the
ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you,
Batman?"
A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England.
He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says,
"Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he
is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender
throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar.
The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at
him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"
A
pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt.
The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its
driving me nuts".
John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
A
guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can
I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"
A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"
A
guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game?
See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one
dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a
free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
A
guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of
helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have
plain."
A
guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call
that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"
A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"
A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
A
leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says,
"That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and
starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"
A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!
A
mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your
kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."
A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back
wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar.
The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy
sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's
that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he
never says 'Hi' to anyone."
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.
A Kabbalist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A
pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer
COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The
pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A
man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!"
Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before
problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a
while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and
asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man
answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
An old lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A
scraggly old drunk staggers over, takes one look, and says, "Jeeeez,
that's the UGLIEST thing I ever saw!" The woman turns her nose up at
him and says, "This happens to be a stately creature! Go away, you
horrid man!" The old drunk yells, "Lady, I was talkin' to the duck!"
A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a
couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk
and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door,
about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and
says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and
slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says,
"We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a
knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the
bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm
a frayed knot."
A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten
shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The
man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The
bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too,
if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
"Seventy cents." (thanks to PK)
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.
A
pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the
bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig
says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
A
penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender,
"Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what
does he look like?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The
bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos
coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not
hard to understand."
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A
dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles
up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my
paw."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A
guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look
nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's
a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender
says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A
drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says,
"I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So
the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No,
son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back
into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the
drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're
quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A
man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man
asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches
out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you
said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't
my dog."
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar
serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse
says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving
drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would
sell the place."
A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that
someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you
painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I
did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you
- the first coat's dry!"
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey
buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt
out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind,
and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives
the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his
friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The
friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender
says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend
says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my
seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out
Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a
Chihuahua?"
A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)
A
man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do
you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good,"
replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
alligator."
A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit.
Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as
well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats
the little guy up.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A
guy walks into a bar and sees a woman at the end of the bar. The man
says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and I'd like to buy a drink
for the douchebag at the end of the bar. The bartender says, "OK, but
you shouldn't talk to a woman like that." The bartender asks the woman
what she would like. The woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water." (thanks to Gerald Judd)
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"
A
professor walks into a bar and orders a double martinous. The bartender
says, "you mean a double martini?" The professor says, "If I want more
than one I'll ask for it."
A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders
a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says
the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!
A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa?
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"
