Words To The Wise
. - "A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin
- "I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?" --Tom Clancy.
- "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." --Peter Kaye.
- "Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones."
- "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush
- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 43% of all statistics are worthless.
- 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
- A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
- A bad plan is better than no plan.
- A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
- A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
- A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
- A gentleman is a patient wolf.
- A good pun is its own reword.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
- A king's castle is his home.
- A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.
- A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
- A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
- A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- A penny saved is ridiculous.
- A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
- A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
- A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
- A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
- A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
- A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
- A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
- A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.
- A witty saying proves nothing.
- According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
- Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
- Adult: One old enough to know better.
- After all is said and done, more is said than done.
- Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
- All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
- All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
- All that glitters has a high refractive index.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
- All work and no play, will make you a manager.
- Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
- Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
- An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Anarchy is better than no government at all.
- Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
- Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
- Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
- Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
- Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
- Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
- Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
- Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
- Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization
- Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
- Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
- Attitude determines your altitude.
- Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
- Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
- Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
- Bad spellers of the world untie!
- Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
- BATCH: A group, kinda like a herd.
- Batteries not included.
- Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful.
- Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.
- Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
- Be naughty - save santa the trip.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
- Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.
- Before you meet your handsome prince you may have to kiss a lot of toads.
- Best viewed on my computer.
- Better late than really late.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Biology grows on you.
- Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
- Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
- Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
- C:\ is the root of all directories.
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man and communism is the reverse.
- Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
- Celibacy is not heriditary.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
- Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
- Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
- Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
- CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
- Clones are people two.
- Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
- Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
- Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
- Computer hackers do it all night long.
- Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
- Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
- Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
- Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
- Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
- Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
- Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
- Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
- Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
- Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
- Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
- Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
- Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.
- Don't be a sexist; chicks hate that!
- Don't be humble, you're not that great.
- Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
- Don't believe everything you think.
- Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
- Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
- Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep till noon.
- Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.
- Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
- Don't sweat petty things......or pet sweaty things.
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
- Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
- Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
- Drive defensively - buy a tank.
- Drive defensively, buy a tank.
- Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.
- Dyslexics have more fnu.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
- Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
- Earn cash in your spare timem, blackmail friends.
- Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later).
- Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
- Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
- Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
- Elevators smell different to midgets.
- Entropy isn't what it used to be.
- Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
- Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
- Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
- Every solution breeds new problems.
- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
- Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
- Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
- Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
- Everytime I think the world is moving so fast, I go to the post office.
- Examine what is said, not who speaks.
- Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
- Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
- F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
- Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.
- Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
- Failure teaches success.
- Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
- Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
- Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
- First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
- For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
- Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
- Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.
- Friendly fire - isn't.
- Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
- Frog blast the vent core!
- Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in kansas anymore.
- Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
- Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
- Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
- God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
- God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.
- Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
- Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
- Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
- Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
- Have you noticed that the wrong calls are never busy?
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
- Help support helpless victims of computer error.
- Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
- Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
- He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
- Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
- Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?
- History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
- Home is where you hang your @
- Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?
- How come wrong numbers are never busy?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
- I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
- I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
- I can't spell and beer doesn't help.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I doubt, therefore I might be.
- I drink to make other people interesting.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- I have a strong will but a weak won't.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
- I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
- I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
- I prefer old age to the alternative.
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
- I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
- I'd buy you a drink, but i'd be jealous of the straw.
- I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
- I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
- If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
- If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
- If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
- If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
- If at first you don't succeed, give up! No use being a damn fool.
- If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
- If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
- If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
- If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
- If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.
- If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.
- If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?
- If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
- If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
- If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
- If people actually looked like what they look like in their passport photos very few countries will let them in.
- If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- If superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
- If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
- If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
- If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
- If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
- If you are going through hell, keep going.
- If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
- If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
- If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you can see this, you're not blind, which is a very good start.
- If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
- If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
- If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
- If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
- If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- If you never go off on a tangent you end up going in circles.
- If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
- If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
- If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
- If you're happy, you're successful.
- If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right.
- If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
- Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
- I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
- I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
- I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
- I'm not paranoid, they really are after me.
- In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
- In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
- In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
- In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
- Is there another word for synonym?
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It works better if you plug it in.
- It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
- It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
- It's like deja vu all over again.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
- It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
- It's people that give drinking a bad name.
- It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
- Jack and Jill did it for insurance.
- Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
- Laugh and people will laugh with you. Snore and you will snore alone.
- Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
- Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
- Learn from my parent's mistake. Don't have kids!
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
- Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
- Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
- Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
- Life exists for no known purpose.
- Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.
- Life is garden, don't be a hoe.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.
- Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
- Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
- Life's a bleach and then you dye.
- Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
- Logic is in the eye of the logician.
- Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Lunix... Because i'm better than you.
- Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
- Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
- Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
- Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
- Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
- Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
- Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
- Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
- Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
- MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
- Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing.
- Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
- My homework is like a juicy steak, rarely done.
- Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
- Never buy a car you can't push.
- Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- Never eat yellow snow.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
- Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
- Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
- Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
- No good deed goes unpunished.
- No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
- No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- No-one suspects the butterfly!
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Not all men are fools... Some are bachelors.
- Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
- Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
- NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
- Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
- Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
- Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese.
- Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
- Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
- Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
- Only dead fish go with the flow.
- Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
- Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
- People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
- Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.
- Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
- Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
- Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
- Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
- Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
- Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
- Rugby is a game played by a few gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
- Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
- Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
- Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
- Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.
- Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
- Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
- Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
- Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
- Spelling is a lossed art.
- SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
- Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
- Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
- Sure, when... - oink flap oink flap - well I'll be darned!
- SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
- Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
- Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
- Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
- Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
- Tech-support: A support group for people suffering from Tech.
- The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
- The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- The best things in life aren't things.
- The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
- The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
- The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
- The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- The future will be better tomorrow.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- The Killer Ducks are coming!
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
- The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
- The only certain thing in life is death.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
- The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
- The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
- The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
- The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
- The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
- The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
- The revolution will not be televised.
- The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
- The road to success is always under construction.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
- The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
- There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.
- There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
- There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
- There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
- There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
- There is no time like the pleasant.
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
- They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
- They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
- Think much, Speak little, Write less.
- This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
- This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
- This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget.
- Those who can't write, write help files.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
- To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
- To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
- To generalize is to be an idiot.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
- Today is the last day of your life so far.
- Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
- Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
- Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
- Too much of everything is just enough.
- Tracers work both ways.
- TRAPEZOID: A device for catching zoids.
- Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
- Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.
- Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
- Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
- Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.
- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
- Wasting time is an important part of life.
- Wasting time is an important part of living.
- We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
- We found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all along.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- Welcome what you can't avoid.
- What boots up must come down.
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
- What the world needs is more geniuses with humility and there are so few of us left.
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- When all else fails, admit i'm right and kiss my ass.
- When all else fails, read the instructions.
- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
- When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
- When in doubt empty the magazine.
- When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
- When in doubt, don't bother.
- When in doubt, ignore it.
- When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
- When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
- When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
- When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
- When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
- When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
- When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
- While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
- Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of assteroids"?
- Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
- With a rubber duck, you're never alone.
- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
- Women's libbers should be put behind bras.
- Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
- Work is the curse of the drinking class.
- Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
- Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
- Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Yesterday I could not spell computers and today I are a programmer.
- You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
- You can observe a lot just by watching.
- You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
- You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
- You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- You don't have to explain something you never said.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
- You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
- Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
- You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
- You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
- You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
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Category: Jokes | Added by: luisag (2009-07-22)
| Author: Luis Graulau
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Views: 415
| Rating: 0.0/0 |
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