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1. "A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin
2. "I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?" --Tom Clancy.
3. "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." --Peter Kaye.
4. "Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones."
5. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush
6. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
7. 43% of all statistics are worthless.
8. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
9. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
10. A bad plan is better than no plan.
11. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
12. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
13. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
14. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
15. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
16. A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
17. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
18. A day without sunshine is like, night.
19. A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
20. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
21. A gentleman is a patient wolf.
22. A good pun is its own reword.
23. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
24. A king's castle is his home.
25. A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.
26. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
27. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
28. A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
29. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
30. A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
31. A penny saved is ridiculous.
32. A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
33. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
34. A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
35. A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
36. A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
37. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
38. A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
39. A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.
40. A witty saying proves nothing.
41. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
42. Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
43. Adult: One old enough to know better.
44. After all is said and done, more is said than done.
45. Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
46. All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
47. All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
48. All that glitters has a high refractive index.
49. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
50. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
51. All work and no play, will make you a manager.
52. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
53. Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
54. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
55. An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
56. An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
57. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
58. Anarchy is better than no government at all.
59. Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
60. Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
61. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
62. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
63. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
64. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
65. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
66. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
67. Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
68. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
69. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization
71. Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
72. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
73. Attitude determines your altitude.
74. Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
75. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
76. Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
77. Bad spellers of the world untie!
78. Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
79. BATCH: A group, kinda like a herd.
80. Batteries not included.
81. Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful.
82. Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.
83. Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
84. Be naughty - save santa the trip.
85. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
86. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
87. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
88. Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
89. Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.
90. Before you meet your handsome prince you may have to kiss a lot of toads.
91. Best viewed on my computer.
92. Better late than really late.
93. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
94. Biology grows on you.
95. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
96. Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
97. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
98. C:\ is the root of all directories.
99. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
100. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
101. Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man and communism is the reverse.
102. Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
103. Celibacy is not heriditary.
104. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
105. Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
106. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
107. Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
108. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
109. CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
110. Clones are people two.
111. Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
112. Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
113. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
114. Computer hackers do it all night long.
115. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
116. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
117. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
118. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
119. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
120. Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
121. Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
122. Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
123. Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
124. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
125. Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
126. Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
127. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
128. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
129. Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
130. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
131. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
132. Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.
133. Don't be a sexist; chicks hate that!
134. Don't be humble, you're not that great.
135. Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
136. Don't believe everything you think.
137. Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
138. Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
139. Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep till noon.
140. Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.
141. Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
142. Don't sweat petty things......or pet sweaty things.
143. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
144. Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
145. Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
146. Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
147. Drive defensively - buy a tank.
148. Drive defensively, buy a tank.
149. Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.
150. Dyslexics have more fnu.
151. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
152. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
153. Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
154. Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
155. Earn cash in your spare timem, blackmail friends.
156. Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later).
157. Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
158. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
159. Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
160. Elevators smell different to midgets.
161. Entropy isn't what it used to be.
162. Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
163. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
164. Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
165. Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
166. Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
167. Every solution breeds new problems.
168. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
169. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
170. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
171. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
172. Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
173. Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
174. Everytime I think the world is moving so fast, I go to the post office.
175. Examine what is said, not who speaks.
176. Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
177. Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
178. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
179. Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
180. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
181. Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.
182. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
183. Failure teaches success.
184. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
185. Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
186. Familiarity breeds children.
187. Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
188. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
189. First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
190. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
191. For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
192. For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
193. Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
194. Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.
195. Friendly fire - isn't.
196. Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
197. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
198. Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
199. Frog blast the vent core!
200. Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in kansas anymore.
201. Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
202. Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
203. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
204. Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
205. God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th
206. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
207. God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
208. God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.
209. Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
210. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
211. Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
212. Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
213. Have you noticed that the wrong calls are never busy?
214. He who hesitates is probably right.
215. He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
216. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
217. Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
218. Help support helpless victims of computer error.
219. Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
220. Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
221. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
222. Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
223. Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?
224. History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
225. Home is where you hang your @
226. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
227. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
228. How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?
229. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
230. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
231. How is it possible to have a civil war?
232. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
233. I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
234. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
235. I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
236. I can't spell and beer doesn't help.
237. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
238. I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
239. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
240. I doubt, therefore I might be.
241. I drink to make other people interesting.
242. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
243. I have a strong will but a weak won't.
244. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
245. I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
246. I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
247. I prefer old age to the alternative.
248. I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
249. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
250. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
251. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
252. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
253. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
254. I'd buy you a drink, but i'd be jealous of the straw.
255. I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
256. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
257. If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
258. If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
259. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
260. If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.
261. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
262. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
263. If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
264. If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
265. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
266. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
267. If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
268. If at first you don't succeed, give up! No use being a damn fool.
269. If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
270. If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
271. If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
272. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
273. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
274. If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.
275. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
276. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
277. If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.
278. If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
279. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
280. If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.
281. If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
282. If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?
283. If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.
284. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
285. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
286. If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
287. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
288. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
289. If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
290. If people actually looked like what they look like in their passport photos very few countries will let them in.
291. If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
292. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
293. If superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
294. If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
295. If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
296. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
297. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
298. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
299. If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
300. If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
301. If you are going through hell, keep going.
302. If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
303. If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
304. If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
305. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
306. If you can see this, you're not blind, which is a very good start.
307. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
308. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
309. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
310. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
311. If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
312. If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
313. If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
314. If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.
315. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
316. If you never go off on a tangent you end up going in circles.
317. If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
318. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
319. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
320. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
321. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
322. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
323. If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
324. If you're happy, you're successful.
325. If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right.
326. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
327. Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
328. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
329. I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
330. I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
331. I'm not paranoid, they really are after me.
332. In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
333. In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
334. In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
335. In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
336. Is there another word for synonym?
337. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
338. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
339. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
340. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
341. It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
342. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
343. It works better if you plug it in.
344. It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
345. It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
346. It's like deja vu all over again.
347. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
348. It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
349. It's people that give drinking a bad name.
350. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
351. Jack and Jill did it for insurance.
352. Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
353. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
354. Laugh and people will laugh with you. Snore and you will snore alone.
355. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
356. Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
357. Learn from my parent's mistake. Don't have kids!
358. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
359. Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
360. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
361. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
362. Life exists for no known purpose.
363. Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.
364. Life is garden, don't be a hoe.
365. Life is sexually transmitted.
366. Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.
367. Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
368. Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
369. Life's a bleach and then you dye.
370. Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
371. Logic is in the eye of the logician.
372. Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
373. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
374. Lunix... Because i'm better than you.
375. Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
376. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
377. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
378. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
379. Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
380. Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
381. Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
382. Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
383. Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
384. Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer.
385. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
386. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
387. Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
388. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
389. Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing.
390. Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
391. My homework is like a juicy steak, rarely done.
392. Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
393. Never buy a car you can't push.
394. Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
395. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
396. Never eat yellow snow.
397. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
398. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
399. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
400. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
401. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
402. Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
403. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
404. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
405. Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
406. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
407. Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
408. No good deed goes unpunished.
409. No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
410. No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
411. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
412. No-one suspects the butterfly!
413. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
414. Not all men are fools... Some are bachelors.
415. Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
416. Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
417. NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
418. Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
419. Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
420. Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese.
421. Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
422. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
423. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
424. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
425. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
426. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
427. One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
428. Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
429. Only dead fish go with the flow.
430. Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
431. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
432. People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
433. Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
434. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
435. Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.
436. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
437. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
438. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
439. Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
440. Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
441. Rehab is for quitters.
442. Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
443. Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
444. Rugby is a game played by a few gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
445. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
446. Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
447. Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
448. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
449. Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
450. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
451. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
452. Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
453. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
454. Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
455. Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
456. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
457. Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.
458. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
459. Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.
460. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
461. Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
462. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
463. Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
464. Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
465. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
466. Spelling is a lossed art.
467. SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
468. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
469. Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
470. Sure, when... - oink flap oink flap - well I'll be darned!
471. SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
472. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
473. Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
474. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
475. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
476. Tech-support: A support group for people suffering from Tech.
477. The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
478. The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
479. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
480. The best things in life aren't things.
481. The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
482. The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
483. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
484. The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
485. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
486. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
487. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
488. The future will be better tomorrow.
489. The geek shall inherit the earth.
490. The Killer Ducks are coming!
491. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
492. The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
493. The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
494. The only certain thing in life is death.
495. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
496. The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
497. The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
498. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
499. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
500. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
501. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
502. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
503. The revolution will not be televised.
504. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
505. The road to success is always under construction.
506. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
507. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
508. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
509. The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
510. The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
511. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
512. The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
513. There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.
514. There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
515. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
516. There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
517. There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
518. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
519. There is no time like the pleasant.
520. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
521. There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
522. They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
523. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
524. Think much, Speak little, Write less.
525. This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
526. This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
527. This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget.
528. Those who can't write, write help files.
529. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
530. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
531. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
532. To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
533. To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
534. To generalize is to be an idiot.
535. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
536. Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
537. Today is the last day of your life so far.
538. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
539. Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
540. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
541. Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
542. Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
543. Too much of everything is just enough.
544. Tracers work both ways.
545. TRAPEZOID: A device for catching zoids.
546. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
547. Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.
548. Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
549. Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
550. Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.
551. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
552. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
553. Wasting time is an important part of life.
554. Wasting time is an important part of living.
555. We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
556. We found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all along.
557. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
558. Welcome what you can't avoid.
559. What boots up must come down.
560. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
561. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
562. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
563. What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
564. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility and there are so few of us left.
565. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
566. What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
567. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
568. When all else fails, admit i'm right and kiss my ass.
569. When all else fails, read the instructions.
570. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
571. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
572. When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
573. When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
574. When in doubt empty the magazine.
575. When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
576. When in doubt, don't bother.
577. When in doubt, ignore it.
578. When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
579. When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
580. When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.
581. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
582. When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
583. When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
584. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
585. When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
586. When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
587. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
588. Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
589. While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
590. Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
591. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
592. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of assteroids"?
593. Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
594. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
595. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
596. Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
597. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
598. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
599. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
600. Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
601. With a rubber duck, you're never alone.
602. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
603. Women's libbers should be put behind bras.
604. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
605. Work is the curse of the drinking class.
606. Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
607. Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
608. Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
609. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
610. Yesterday I could not spell computers and today I are a programmer.
611. You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
612. You can observe a lot just by watching.
613. You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
614. You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
615. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
616. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
617. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
618. You don't have to explain something you never said.
619. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
620. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
621. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
622. Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
623. You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
624. You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
625. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
626. You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.