Great truths that children have learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is angry with your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your three year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is grandad's lap.

Great truths that adults have learned

1. Talking to teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Great truths about growing old

1. Growing old is mandatory - growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age but sometimes age comes alone.

The four stages of life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Success

At the age of 4 success is... not wetting your pants.

At the age of 12 success is... having friends.

At the age of 17 success is... having a drivers licence.

At the age of 35 success is... having money.

At the age of 50 success is... having money.

At the age of 70 success is... having a drivers licence.

At the age of 75 success is... having friends.

At the age of 80 success is... not wetting your pants.