TIME MACHINE

If I had a time machine, here's what I would do, in order:

1. Find out how a microwave works, go back to the 1800s, invent the microwave, and then go up to women and be like, "I invented the microwave."

2. Have sex with those women.

3. Stop the Kennedy assassination.

4. Go back to the Kennedy assassination again, but this time go up to Kennedy and say something really cryptic and mysterious and then don't stop the assassination.

5. Have lunch with Einstein and tell him some crazy shit about the future.

6. Make Einstein pick up the check.

7. Go back to before the World Series, and bet on the losing team just so people don't get suspicious.

8. Eat a ton of ice cream, and then go back and say, "I'm so not hungry for ice cream right now!" People will be amazed at my self-discipline.

9. Go to a beheading just so right after I could say "That's gonna leave a mark!"

10. Coin the phrase "Remember the Alamo," before the Alamo even happens, and then later people will be like "holy shit."

11. Talk to the captain of the Titanic and say, "So the ship's unsinkable, eh?" and when he asks what I mean, just smile knowingly and wink. Then ask if I could sit in his chair.

12. Make a dentist appointment because I've been meaning to do that for a while.

13. Maybe stop the Holocaust.