Picture yourself a gazelle. The douchebag is the heartless Lion on this Serengeti we call life, and he is out to rip you apart… and then give you syphilis. Look for these tell-tale signs of douchebaggery and if spotted, run like hell for the nearest Wal-Mart… after all, generic brands on blue-light special are a douchebag’s kryptonite.

He is wearing a pastel shirt… or other garment purchased at Express.

The d-bag is naturally drawn to the collared shirt as he feels it accentuates his broad shoulders and sculpted pectorals. He can unbutton one button if he’s feeling coy or go shit-crazy and allow his naval to peep out from the folds of his crisp button-down. The glorious versatility! He has spent far to long pumpin’ iron at Gold’s Gym to wear anything other than a body-hugging man-blouse.

He is making a hand motion at you.

If he’s smiling at you, cheersing you from across the bar or mouthing “hi,” he is not a douchebag. Feel free to approach.

If he’s pointing at you, flipping you the bird or violently whipping his crossed arms at his thrusting crotch as if to say—in 1997 speak—“Suck it!”… Ding, ding, ding! We have a douchebag. Flee like your STD test results depend on it.

He has on a wristband. Or worse yet, multiple wristbands.

As the number of neon wristbands increases, so does his level of douchebaggishness. He couldn’t possibly have been to 14 clubs in one afternoon. Chances are he has been stacking these little status symbols on his bed post for months, possibly years. He wants you to believe that he has the money and stamina to pull off a night of bar-hoppin’ that would make John Stamos weep with pride.

He has more accessories than Claire’s.

Earrings, chains, watches… You name it, he’s sportin’ it.

Many will claim that this is just a typical douche, and they are erroneous. Think of guido as a genus and douchebag as a species. While every guido loves a gold crucifix or bedazzled stud, the lengths the douchebag will go to with his accessories are unparalleled. For example, Kanye West’s obnoxious bling collection has earned him douchebag status…. Well, that and the fact that he wrote “Jesus Walks” about himself.

“But can’t I just make friendly conversation with a douche?” you may ask. “Surely they are harmless if I do not participate in sexual activity with them!”

No, no. You will not undermine the manhood of the douchebag. Any female who he has engaged in conversation with is understood by the rest of his herd to be well on her way to fellatio. If you do not fulfill your end of this bargain and the d-bag has wasted one cent of the money he earned hard at work at Chuck-E-Cheese on you and your frigid lady-region, he will stop at nothing to make sure you stay in his grasp (as slippery with hair gel as it may be). Even if he must resort to buying you a shot, renting a room at the Ramada or slipping you a roofie, he’ll do it. And when you wake up there will not be enough literal douchebags on this planet to rectify the mess made by the one that swindled you.