1. Start smoking at least three months prior to attempting your
deception. (Six months is actually preferable.) This will lend you the
credibility that’s fundamental to success. For example, you wouldn’t
claim to be going out to buy a newspaper if you’ve never before shown
an interest in reading the paper. Each puff will cement in your
family’s mind the notion that you’ll have to regularly go out to
replenish your supply of cigarettes.
2. Don’t smoke inside the house. This will betray the hostile feelings
that have been building up toward your family for many years. Smoke
outside on the porch, so they’ll think you still care about them. This
way, when the big day finally arrives, they’ll be far less suspicious
that you’re leaving forever.
3. In the days preceding the execution of your plan, be sure to make
repeated offhand remarks such as “Boy, I am certainly running low on
cigarettes” and “One day soon I will undoubtedly need to make a special
trip to buy more cigarettes.” Don’t improvise. Write down your lines
beforehand, rehearse them in private, and deliver them with the utmost
sincerity. No cue cards.
4. It’s now time to pull off the con. “I’m going down to the corner
store to get cigarettes. Be right back.” Ideally, you’ll be saying this
to your wife. You can’t trust your children to get the message right,
and the correct message is essential. You don’t want your family to
think you’ve gone on a week-long hunting trip with your buddies, as
you’re prone to do when that smothered feeling gets too overwhelming.
It must be a simple run to the store for cigarettes or everything is
ruined.
5. (Important: If your wife replies, “Cigarettes? Since when have you
started smoking?” then call off the plan at once. You’ve been doing
something wrong. You must now wait at least another three months,
preferably six.)
6. Assuming everything has gone smoothly in Step Four, you can get in
your truck and leave. You’re a free man again. Congratulations.
7. New life, here you come.
8. But first, stop at the store for a pack of smokes.
Fake Your Own Death
1. Take your family camping deep in the woods. Make certain it’s a time
of year amenable to outdoor activities. To go camping in the dead of
winter will only cause warning bells to go off in the minds of your
so-called loved ones. Curb your impatience and play the waiting game.
Or online poker.
2. The flowers are in bloom, the birds are singing, and your weary
spirit, burdened for so long by familial pressures and responsibilities
you had never imagined, is ready to soar again. As you’re making camp
with the wife and kids, remark on the beauty of nature, the
timelessness of the earth itself, and the ever-present danger of
ravenous bears. Especially the part about the bears. (This will be
important later.)
3. Take everyone on a hike during which you happen to notice curious
tracks in the dirt. Feign interest long enough for one of your family
members to ask what kind of animal it was. “A bear,” you say, looking
pensively into the woods. “A ravenous bear.” Your previous hunting
trips will grant you authority in this situation, even though you spent
all your time in the cabin getting drunk.
4. Take your family fishing at a nearby stream. Catch several fish
(salmon, if possible), cook them for supper, and casually mention that
bears can scent a fish for up to eight miles. As darkness falls,
proceed to tell tales around the campfire. Each and every tale should
prominently feature a bear.
5. As your children retire to their separate tent, tell your wife
you’ll join her in your own tent after a quick trip to water the
bushes. Take off your sweatshirt, quietly rip it to shreds, and deposit
it where you’re certain it will be found in the morning. It wouldn’t
hurt to leave your hat as well, and possibly a shoe. Resist the urge to
create a commotion. Don’t shake the bushes, don’t scream bloody murder,
and above all do not make growling sounds.
6. Escape into the woods and attempt to find your way back to
civilization. This will be extremely difficult in the dark, with little
or no food and water, and only one shoe. There’s also the very real
possibility that you’ll encounter a ravenous bear.
7. When you eventually reach some dust-filled hamlet, you may consider
yourself liberated at last. It was a long journey, both literally and
figuratively, but it was worth it. You may want to stop at the only gas
station in town and inquire on the availability of a job and a room to
rent out back.
8. If you’re still hopelessly lost in the woods at this point, might as
well make the best of it and become a mountain man. It’s better than
being back home, and you know the food will be better.
Alien Abduction
1. It’s late at night.
2. You’re driving home.
3. Call your wife and tell her you see a strange light in the sky.
